Letters to the universe
by mtranc3
Summary: Draco finally realizes what it is that he truly wants. Warnings: features an unhealthy dose of angst...


**Title: **Letters to the Universe  
**Author:** mtranc3  
**Rating:** R  
**Category:** Drama  
**Summary:** Draco-centic. Draco realizes what he wants when it's too late.  
**Warnings:** Angst to the nth degree.  
**Author's Notes:** I wanted to write a Draco piece where he'd realized his feelings for Harry, but it'd be too late for both of them. I hope it came alright.  
**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, no profit is being made.

**  
Letters to the Universe  
**

He's still alive, oh God... but he's still alive. He killed_ him_ and he has somehow survived... He shouldn't have, the spell worked that way... We all said our good-byes that day and part of myself died too, and I was fine. I was in my private own Hell but I was fine.

Merlin... I never told him. And now I'm given another chance, but I don't want to hope, it hurts too much. After everything that has happened, how could I say that I never hated you... That in the last few months being with you, I've come to discover a side of myself I never knew existed. I had to swallow my resentment, and you had no idea... no idea how hard it was for me to admit to myself that I actually admired you. I was so _jealous_, you were everything that I would never be, not even if I was given a second chance. I'm cowardly that way. And then, I don't know if you'd even notice the change, but you must have, because you accepted me. Granted, you made my life a living nightmare, but eventually, you accepted me. In a rare moment of truce between us you said that you saw something in my eyes that night on the tower. Oh, Harry, I don't know what you saw, but there was only fear. I _want_ to be the person you think I could be, but I'm not as strong as you are. Not like that. My strengths lie elsewhere, and now I'm stripped of my life, and I can't even use them to help you. Because if you never wake up I'll never find the answers.

You bastard. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're enjoying this. You've reduced me to a babbling idiot and let me tell you, Malfoys don't babble. Wake up so I can curse you! It's not funny when I can't see your eyes narrowing in anger. When I can't see your eyes at all...

I miss them, you know. I suppose I could drag your eyelids open but it will be even worse. I don't want to see your eyes empty, no matter how beautiful they are. Once, the weasel's sister cooed at them and you blushed and said they weren't special, that lots of people had pretty eyes, like me. And you laughed and asked if the compliment stunned me. I couldn't find the words to answer, so I sneered and turned away. You'll never know I spent that entire evening thinking back to that moment, and your laughter. You stupid git, what have you done to me? I will not let you slip away so easily, we're not done Potter, you and I. The Dark Lord may be gone, but I'm still here and you've left me unfinished...

And if not for me, come back for them. Harry, nothing is right without you. Nobody rejoices, and we can't even enjoy the victory because of you. That's how selfish you are, everything always has to revolve around you. Only now, I am too in that circle and I'm in a perpetual state of waiting. And I've never been good at being patient, I grew up as an only child, for Merlin's sake!

So you see dear Universe, or whoever decides these things, the answer cannot be 'no'. I cannot be denied what I finally discovered I truly want. You have to find a way and go around it and make him wake up, because I'm still here, and my heart still yearns, and the emptiness... the emptiness is maiming my very existence. I feel so lonely and I'm so afraid I won't be able to wake him up, and the pieces will never get together, they will perish... and won't that be a pity?

I don't know what to do, fine, I have a notion, but that could ruin everything. Because it could end up being both pointless and demeaning, and I've learned the hard way that shredding all dignity is not the way to go. It may seem like it, but it can actually make matters worse. It's not because of my ego, I don't even add it to the equation, it's that I'm afraid of making things worse than they already are. Should I tell him? Will it change anything?

----

I came back today. It seems I can't stay away for very long. That house is empty and cold, and everything I care about is on this bed, I shall never leave your side again. I just thought... I thought that maybe if I wasn't here... maybe my presence... that people whom you love should be the only ones around you. But really, who knows? If Granger's tears soaking your pillow, and the Weasly girl's laments haven't helped, then I might not be making things worse. The specialists from St. Mungo's don't really know either. Ignorant fools. And the one person that could have helped is dead, isn't he? I helped with that, and now I have to live with it...

Please Harry, do you want me to say it? Fine, I'll say it: I loveyou. Wake up so I can say it to your face and you can laugh at me. Oh, you can laugh at me all you want you little prick, and I won't utter a single word. Because it's true, and right now I don't care if you never return it as long as you wake up. I gave up my _family_ because of you, that must count for something, shouldn't it? And you went ahead and left me. What did you think would happen once you sacrificed yourself? That we'd all jump from joy it finally ended? You never think, you thick git, and you always do whatever you want. You always have. Come back and I promise; I'll be so good you'll be rubbing your eyes, I'll even try with the weasel, just... come back. Because I miss you and I love you, and if you rob me of the chance of saying that to you, I'll never forgive you.

How am I to deal with such things? But I swear, whatever higher power is out there, I'll forever be a thorn on your side if you take him. And I'm not being bloody malevolent! I'm just human, and my heart yearns. So, I'm hanging on, there's not even a thread of hope to turn to, but I'm hanging on. It's in my nature. Wake up, because you're all that matters, and if you do I'll show you such beauty that will take your breath away. I have it in me whatever you may think, and I'll let you laugh at my name all you want, and I'd even grovel...

----

Hermione came round the corner of the hospital wing, and her eyes caught a glimpse of light. She went inside quietly and was greeted by a familiar sight; Draco Malfoy was kneeling on the floor next to Harry's bed. His head rested near Harry's hand which he'd clasped in a deathgrip. He was asleep and he looked peaceful, but Hermione could still see the dried-up tears on his face. She swallowed a whimper and sat on the chair next to them.

_What kind of redemption are you looking for, Draco? It's too late for that. You're too late..._

She tucked her feet underneath her and settled on the chair. It was going to be a long night, and she didn't want to leave Harry alone.

The End


End file.
